O/T I'm sorry I haven't a clue : Tue Feb 02, 2010 6:00 pm
Following on from the Tim Vine collection I thought some on here might appreciate these from the above programme, not quite the same to read as to hear spoken by Humph.Samantha Has To Go Now...
BBC Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't Clue scorer Samantha rarely stays until the end of the show. Here's some of her excuses for leaving early:
Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths.
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Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night.
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Samantha is off just now to her vehicle maintenance evening class where she says she's keen to strip down a little Austin for a full service.
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Samantha has to nip out now as she's off to see her new American gentleman friend. He's a cattle trader, and as Samantha is keen to buy a prime example, she's been saving up. Excitingly, she'll soon be in a position to receive her first Texan Longhorn.
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Samantha is off to sample some beers and whiskies at the Radio 2 party. She says she expects to enjoy having a pint and a stiff Johnny Walker chaser.
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Samantha has to nip out now as she is off to her evening class where the baking instructor is going to assess her efforts. Last week he popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week.
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Samantha is off on a tour of the Lake District with a naturist gentleman friend who wants to strip off at Keswick and Cockermouth.
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Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based aperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liquor out on the balcony.
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Samantha has to leave us now as she's off out for a lovely meal with a new chef friend who's laying on a traditional shellfish evening. She says she's really looking forward to enjoying his special cockle night.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as she has a meeting with the builder who gave her the lowest estimate for some work. She says she was pleased to see his tender won, but was startled when it suddenly grew to twice the size.
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Samantha has to nip off now as she's doing a fashion makeover on a gentleman friend. Yesterday she says she helped him choose new shoes, and was delighted to bend over to tie his laces as he tried a pair with a crape sole and felt upper.
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Samantha tells me she needs to leave now as she's been nursing two elderly gentlemen who have been suffering from bed sores for some time. She says they like her to go in regularly to inspect their old chaps for any sign of improvement, and last week she had both of them up and out and waving through the window.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip off now to meet her new gentleman friend, who's an avid collector of rare beetles. She says he has an incredible Longhorn which he's keeping in a shoebox for her. He told her that if you tickle it, it jumps out half way across the table.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she may have an Old Man's Beard in her bush.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she has a cookery lesson with her new chef gentleman friend, who's been teaching her cake decoration. He has all sorts of professional kitchen equipment, and as Samantha is having trouble keeping enough pressure on her icing dispenser for complete coverage, he's promised to show her how to squeeze his hard on to the top of the cake.
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Samantha has to leave now as she's hosting a traditional Cockney music and dance night with a pearly king and queen at a nearby pub. All the locals are saying they can't wait to see her knees up round the King's Head.
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Samantha tells me she has to go now as she's off to the country residence of her new gentleman friend, who has some interesting birds in the thicket. He keeps a young chicken, but Samantha says there are also wild breeds there, and she can't wait to see his Woodcock, Pullet and Swallow.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's off to see her personal trainer for a fitness demonstration. She says she's looking forward to him showing how he gets the fat down and pounds off in front of her.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip out now to meet two young vicar friends who've promised to exorcise a poltergeist from her flat. They say they're looking forward to stopping her furniture flying round the room and giving her the willies.
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Samantha is something of a keen horse woman, and she tells me that she's off to see a trainer who's offered her the chance of a couple of races he wants her to contest. She's quite excited, as he's prepared to drop his jockeys to enter her at Newmarket.
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Samantha tells me that she has to nip off to a special Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, whose name is said to be almost impossible to pronounce. She's certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful.
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Samantha has to nip out again to see an elderly lord who regularly complains to Radio 4 about their parliamentary coverage. She says she thinks he's even going to start getting a little hard on Today in parliament.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip off to a rare breed’s farm where they still plough with huge beasts of burden. She's become friendly with a couple of farmhands who are going to show her their gigantic ox.
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Samantha has to nip out to take her German shepherd to the park to give him a stroke while he licks her face and pants.
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Samantha has got to go off early to meet an entomologist friend who's been showing her his collection of winged insects. They've already covered his bees and wasps and tonight she's hoping to go through his flies.
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Samantha tells us she's off to a gourmet evening where her favourite French chef has prepared a nine course dinner. Looking at the menu, she says she's not so keen on some of his traditional dishes, but she spotted something tempting between the frogs legs.
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Samantha has to nip out to the House of Lords with her constituency friend. He's looking for support for his MP who's facing expulsion, and Samantha says it's important to have a good peer if his member's likely to be out.
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Samantha tells me she recently purchased a Tudor tankard bearing an engraved ode, believed to be by Shakespeare himself. This week she's taking it to be valued by the Antiques Roadshow programme. We can't wait to see Hugh Scully examining her jugs on it.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip home as she has a man coming in to start work on her new patio. He's bringing round his cement mixer, and he's promised to layer roughly across the foundations.
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Samantha tells me she has to nip out to greet a gentleman friend who's something of a shoe enthusiast. The last time she met him he was in his plimsoles with the crape sole and felt upper.
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Samantha has to nip down to the allotment to help a nice gentleman put his new fertilizer on his tomato plants. She's surprisingly keen to see his Grow More in the potting shed.
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So, while Samantha nips out to enjoy a portion of winkles in cider.
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Samantha tells me she's had to nip out to meet a nice chap who's training her in computer skills. Tonight she hopes he's going to show her the 3 1/2 inch floppy he's got in his Mac.
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Samantha tells us she's taking her (driving) test this week. She says she can't wait to climb aboard her little Morris to demonstrate the correct use of the horn in a built-up area.
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Samantha has to nip off to the National Opera where she's been giving private tuition to the singers. Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might to for a tenor.
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Samantha tells me she's off with a team of local paramedics this evening. They're so excited at the thought, they just can't wait for her to arrive so they can get their ambulance and stretcher out for the night.
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Samantha has a new Italian gentleman friend who's going to take her to the seaside to buy an ice-cream. There's nothing she likes better than to spend the afternoon licking the nuts off a big Neopolitan.
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Samantha has been working down in the gramophone library today, where the archivists have been engaged in a heated argument about who sits at which desk to get the best view of Samantha's shapely legs. To calm things down, she had to keep them apart all morning.
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Samantha has recently taken up beekeeping with a small hive, housing just three dozen or so. This evening she has an expert beekeeper coming round to show her a few tricks of the trade, and he says he'll quickly have her 38 bees out and flying round his head.
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Samantha is off to see a chef gentleman friend who is renowned for his fine-quality offal dishes. While she's very keen on his kidneys in red wine and his oxtail in beer, Samantha says it's difficult to beat his famous tongue in cider.
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In her spare time, Samantha likes nothing more than to peruse old record shops. She particularly enjoys a rewarding poke in the country section
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Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby. She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. Later he'll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up a ladder
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Samantha has to nip out now as she has promised to style her new gentleman friend's hair for him. She says she’s looking forward to giving him a wash and trim, before skilfully blowing him dry!
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Samantha has to nip off now to meet her cheesemaker gentleman friend. He has promised to show her how to put a blue vein into a Caerphilly.
