Re: Weather : Mon Dec 06, 2010 5:58 pm  

me and the wife went to Madame Tussauds last year,we went to the Chamber of Horrors and one of the members of staff whispered in my ear 'would you please keep your wife moving sir because we're stocktaking'...

circa 1968

Re: Weather : Mon Dec 06, 2010 6:41 pm  

My neighbour Bill told me yesterday that Hazel his wife after 15 years of being a happily married couple had left him.
I asked Bill had there been an argument or was she seeing another bloke he replied no nothing like that all she said was that she was just going down to the local shop for some milk and I haven't seen her since I said Bill thats awful are you coping all right oh yes replied Bill I'm doing fine I've got some of that powdered stuff.

Re: Weather : Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:42 pm  

GeoffRoebuck wrote:

Hows your lucky charm business doing?

Not very good Geoff. I got a small nick on my ear from a cupboard door in the summer which has never healed properly. Been to the DRI today and was told a piece of my ear about the size of a 5 pence piece would have to be cut out followed by a skin graft and to keep covered against the sun in the future. Ive had more lumps taken out of me playing sport and working in the mines it came as a bit of a shock from such a minor accident. Will have to watch the Summer games with factor 50 on.

Re: Weather : Mon Dec 06, 2010 8:57 pm  

a husband arrives home unexpectedly early from work and finds his wife in bed with a midget,'what's all this then ? I thought you had stopped having affairs ?' he said - the wife replied 'I know and i'm sorry but I am TRYING to cut down'.....

Re: Weather : Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:05 pm  

The new season can't come sooon enough!

: Tue Dec 07, 2010 8:56 pm  

I bought my wife a new cookery book for her birthday unfortunately she got stuck at the first paragraph which read "and take a clean pan"

Feeling sorry for her I then bought her a new kitchen timer
A Smoke Alarm

Re: Weather : Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:52 pm  

husband & wife who were ardent churchgoers went to see their local vicar - the husband said 'I have a problem,every time my wife puts herself in an erotic type position I get the uncontrollable urge to rip her clothes off and make mad passionate love,for example,the other day she was bending over to get something out of the freezer wearing a mini skirt and I had this sudden urge' the vicar turns to the wife and asks 'I can see this could be tricky for you,are you offended by this action ?' she replies no,not at all but my husband seems to think it's some kind of sinful act what with us being good christians etc'.the vicar reassures the couple and says 'well,as long as no one is hurt and it's done in the name of love,I can't see any problem'
The husband then says 'so vicar,you won't be banning us from church then ?' vicar replies ' no,of course not,why should I ?' the husband replies 'cos' the b***rds banned us from Tescos'...

[Jemmo]

Re: Weather : Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:59 am  

I think people have been opening their crackers a bit early, or opening Sid Littles early

Re: Weather : Wed Dec 08, 2010 9:17 am  

me and the wife went out for an indian last night,the waiter came up to us and asked 'Curry ok ?' I replied 'yes,just one song then go away'...

Re: Weather : Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:04 pm  

Ever since it's been snowing my wife has just been stood looking through the living room window, if it gets any worse i will have to let her come indoors!